A Personal Quest
by TamaraJagellovsk
Summary: Loki survived Infinity War, the avengers defeated Thanos (which I hope is the plot of Endgame), the Nine Realms were at peace. Asgard had been rebuilt. Asgard's people were safe, and they'd started to overcome their grief for the many they had lost. Central concept used with kind permission of NomDePlumLoki
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Central concept used with kind permission of NomDePlumLoki. Thank you for the inspiration!**

The Odinsons met in a small, modest room, away from the gold of the great halls, because Loki had asked for it. Thor looked at his brother with a smile that suited him. It looked regal, Loki thought, and there was no jealousy in that realization. His brother was indeed King of Asgard, and he was doing well. He'd come such a long way...Thor cleared his throat. It snapped Loki out of his musings, and he straightened.

"What is it, brother?", Thor said, and there was only a hint of his Court Room Voice in it. Loki smiled to himself before he met his brother's eyes.

"There is something I need to do, and I would like to do it on Midgard."

Thor raised his eyebrows.

"Are you asking for my permission?"

"Well, that realm is a personal favorite of yours, so to speak...but no. I'd rather think of it as your – blessing."

Thor's eyebrows climbed even higher. Loki sighed.

"I just don't want to do it without your knowledge, especially since it's probably going to take a while."

"So, what exactly _are_ you doing on Midgard?"

"I didn't mean -"

Loki sighed again.

"Look, I promise nobody is going to get hurt, and I'll return to Asgard as soon as it's done. It's just – something that I need to do. For – myself."

"Cryptic..."

Loki held Thor's gaze until his brother nodded.

"I trust you, Loki", Thor said and pulled him into a hug. Then he took a step back.

"Take care of yourself. May your journey be rewarding."

Loki bowed his head and turned on his heels.

"Try not to mess up while I'm gone", he called over his shoulder, and Thor could hear his brother's trademark mocking smile in his voice. He wasn't entirely sure that he was doing the right thing, but he'd made a decision to trust Loki, and he'd stand by it.


	2. Chapter 2

_Midgard; Germany; a small town far away from Stuttgart_

For the first time in months the lights were on in Ullmann's bookstore on Main Street. Someone was working inside, obviously preparing a re-opening. The people of Breklum were curious to see who'd take it over after the old man had passed away. A relative, maybe? But the young man who'd come to town didn't look anything like Gottfried Ullmann,so the town folk agreed that he probably bought it. He stood out a little with his long black hair, but those who had met him briefly at a shop or the post office said he seemed nice enough. And then one day a brand new sign appeared over the door that read "Buchhandlung Laufensen".

Loki sat down on the floor in the store's back office with his legs crossed. Frigga had taught him that position when she'd first introduced him to her magic, explaining that it would improve his focus. He was long past needing a specific position to do a spell, but when he worked on something important he found it did help him to focus. And this _was_ important. He closed his eyes and took several deep breaths, clearing his mind of the past few days.

~o0o~

The store's front door opened a crack, and a young woman with long brown hair peered around it.

"Hey, are you open yet?"

Loki looked up from the box he was unpacking.

"Not officially..."

The woman slipped into the store and closed the door behind her.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but it's kinda urgent."

Loki stood and squared his shoulders. Something cracked in his back. He rolled his shoulders once.

"That's OK. Emergency purchase. I understand."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"Maybe a little. But then again needing a specific piece of literature and not having it _is_ an emergency in my – pardon the pun – book."

She chuckled and told him what she needed. He closed his eyes.

"Got it", he said after a moment. He turned and retrieved the book from one of the unpacked boxes.

"Wait, how do you know where anything is in this chaos?"

"Chaos is my middle name", Loki grinned. "I've learned to master it a long time ago."

Before she could say anything, a young boy with Loki's dark hair appeared in the doorway to the office, holding up an exercise book.

"This doesn't make the slightest sliver of sense."

Loki grinned at his customer.

"Math. Not his strong suit. I'm afraid I'll have to take care of it."

She looked at the boy.

"Hey there!"

Billy waved.

"I'll be with you in a second, OK?", Loki said with a smile.

"'kay", Billy pouted and disappeared again.

"How old is he?"

"Eight. He'll start third grade after summer break, but I need to bring him up to speed first. Hence the homework."

"Are you raising him on your own?"

"Yeah."

"Where's his mother?"

Loki looked down for a moment but then pulled himself together.

"Our parents passed away recently."

She looked at him blankly, and then the penny dropped.

"Wait, he's your brother?"

It was Loki's turn to be confused.

"Well, yes?"

"I thought – never mind. I'm very sorry for your loss. And for intruding. It's none of my business."

From the office Billy called again, obviously losing patience:

"Are you coming? This is stupid!"

Loki shrugged apologetically and made for the office.

Billy was frustrated to the point of tears. He was smart, but math just didn't sit well with him. Loki ruffled his dark curls.

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem is that this is stupid. Or probably _I_ am. It doesn't make any sense and I don't get why I have to do it anyway. It's not like I'll ever need this once I'm famous."

"Well how are you going to keep up with the shitload of money you'll be making?"

"I'll have people for that."

"Who will steal it from right under your nose if you don't know how to read the numbers."

Billy gave an exaggerated sigh.

"Fine. Explain it again."

Loki grinned.

"What's the magic word?"

"Screw you."

Loki tackled his kid brother and started tickling him until Billy was laughing and crying at the same time.

"I give up! I give up!", he panted.

"Are you pleading for mercy?"

"I am! I am! Pleading, see?"

Loki let him go and waited for his breathing to return to normal. Then he looked him straight in the eye.

"You're smart, Billy. There's nothing you can't do if you really want it. And sometimes we have to do things we _don't_ want. Tell you what. We finish this before it gets dark, you get a present."

Billy's eyes widened.

"It's not my birthday or anything."

"No, but I found something you might like. So do we have a deal or what?"

Billy worked really hard and tried his best, and even if it was technically well into dusk by the time they were done, Loki decided he'd earned his present. He took a wrapped parcel from his desk and handed it to Billy.

"Here you go."

Billy unwrapped it. It was a note book, plain pages of high quality paper, with elaborately decorated covers. Billy ran his fingertips over the lines and flourishes.

"It's gorgeous", he said.

"I saw you doodle. You're good. And an artist needs the proper material."

Billy looked up.

"Thank you, Loki. You're the best brother a kid could have."

"Welcome", Loki said, and his voice sounded funny to his own ears.


	3. Chapter 3

The summer was over, and Billy had to start school. Things went well even though he didn't make any friends right away. And then, after the first week, Loki received a call from Billy's class teacher, a man called Hagen, who wanted to see him.

"Mr. Laufensen, thank you for coming. How are you settling in?"

"I'm doing fine, thank you."

"I'm glad to hear that. Our principal asked me to thank you for dealing with our supply problem that quickly. We used to cooperate well with Mr. Ullmann, but _that_ was amazingly fast."

"It's what I do."

Hagen cleared his throat.

"Well, as I said on the phone, I need to talk to you about your brother's essay."

Loki nodded, waiting.

"The thing is, Billy is smart, and he has great imagination. Maybe – a bit too much imagination."

Loki sighed.

"He refused to show me what he'd written. Could you fill me in please?"

Mr. Hagen handed Loki a photocopy. Three pages filled with Billy's surprisingly neat handwriting. Loki scanned it. Golden halls. Flying boats. The bifrost. Loki sighed and dropped the pages.

"Look, the kid's been through a lot."

"I understand your parents recently passed away?"

"Yes. It's why we moved. We needed a new start. It's hard on Billy. He – sometimes escapes to imaginary worlds. I'll talk to him."

Hagen nodded.

"I was thinking maybe he'd benefit from seeing our school psychologist."

Loki froze. He looked his brother's teacher straight in the eye. Neither one moved an inch. Loki focused on the man's core, the place where Hagen's decisions were made. Seconds ticked away.

"Mr. Laufensen, I really don't think Billy needs a psychologist. I appreciate your concern for your brother, but I don't think that will be necessary."

Loki pretended to hesitate.

"Are you sure? I don't want to lose an opportunity to help him cope."

Hagen smiled.

"I'm sure he'll be OK. He's got you to take care of him. I think that's all he needs."

On his way out Loki allowed himself a smirk. Midgardians were so easy to manipulate.

~o0o~

That night after putting Billy to bed Loki stayed with him until he fell asleep. When his brother's breathing had deepened he put his hand on the boy's forehead, establishing a connection. Images appeared and disappeared, and Loki started sorting them, sifting out the details Billy wasn't supposed to remember. He came upon one of Frigga, holding her son in her lap, reading to him. Loki carefully severed her body, face and voice from the gold decorated room. Billy needed that memory of his mother. He did not need to know that she'd read to him in the great palace of Asgard. Hours passed. Loki began to grow tired, but he needed to make absolutely sure he hadn't missed anything.


	4. Chapter 4

The little bell above the door rang. Loki called from the office:

"I'll be with you in a moment!"

When he stepped into the shop floor he recognized the woman he'd helped out on his first day.

"Hey", he greeted her, "another emergency?"

She laughed.

"Actually, this one isn't urgent, just a little tricky."

"I'm listening?"

"I'm looking for Coriolanus."

"Ah, Shakespeare. Not really one of the common plays though."

"I know."

"English, German or bilingual?"

"German, please."

"I can get it for you. Should be here tomorrow."

"Cool, thank you."

She hesitated.

"How's Billy?"

"He's fine. Working", he added, gesturing towards the office.

"Billy is a bit of an unusual name around here."

"Mom had a crush on Billy Idol. Or maybe it was Dad who had the crush."

She laughed.

"So what's _your_ first name anyway, Mr. Laufensen?"

"Loki."

"Really? Talk about unusual."

Loki shrugged.

"My parents were flaming Social Democrats."

He could see the wheels turn. Her mouth fell open.

"Seriously? They named you after Chancellor Schmidt's wife?!"

"What can I say. I got used to it."

"That's hilarious."

He gave her a look that made her blush.

"I'm sorry. Oh and I'm Nora by the way."

They shook hands the way he knew was customary on Midgard. There was an awkward pause after that. Eventually she pushed away from the counter.

"OK, I'll let you work then. Tomorrow, you said?"

He looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"The Shakespeare? You said you could get it by tomorrow?"

"Oh, yes. In the afternoon, probably."

She smiled at him and left the store.

From the door to the back office Billy said:

"You like her?"

"I barely know her."

"Why don't you have a girlfriend?"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, you're always alone!"

"I'm not alone, I have you! And you're quite the handful, so no thanks."

Billy pensively looked at his big brother.

"It's because of me, right? You think because you have to take care of me, you can't have a girlfriend."

"It's complicated."

"No, it's not. You like her, you get to know her. You don't, you find another girl. Or maybe a boy."

Billy went back to his homework, leaving Loki with his mouth open.

~o0o~

Loki looked up when he heard the bell.

"I'm so sorry, Nora. I know I said it'd be here this afternoon but it seems delivery was delayed."

"That's OK. I'll forgive you."

She gave him a smug little smile.

"Under one condition. Let me take you out for a drink."

Loki took a breath.

"I don't really go out. I'm not comfortable leaving Billy alone."

"Come on. One drink. Half an hour."

He chewed on his lip.

"OK, fine, one drink. How about tomorrow night. That way I can bring your Shakespeare, save you the inconvenience of coming to the store again."

"That's not really an inconvenience", she said with a soft smile.

~o0o~

Billy was helping Loki with the books that had been delivered that day. He enjoyed doing that, and he definitely preferred it over math. When he came to a slim paperback he paused and opened it, careful not to damage its spine.

"Can I ask you something?"

Loki looked up.

"Sure."

"Shakespeare is an English guy, right?"

"Right?"

"So why is this in German?"

"Because a woman named Dorothea Thiek translated it 200 years ago."

"Wait how old is this?"

"The original text? About 400."

"And people still read that?"

Loki chuckled.

"They do. Originally it's a play though."

Billy studied the cover.

"What is it about?"

"It's about an ancient Roman soldier, Caius Marcius."

"Can we read it?"

"You know what I've told you about reading a customer's book."

Billy's face fell.

"That I'm not allowed", he pouted.

Loki ruffled his hair.

"I doubt you'd like the language anyway. But I can tell you the story if you want."

Billy immediately perked up.

"At bedtime tonight?"

"Sure."

Billy smiled and consulted the print out on the table.

"Oh, this is for _Nora_!"

"Yup."

When Billy started grinning, Loki playfully shoved him.

"Stop it, little one."

Billy's grin got even wider.

"She likes you."

"You don't know that."

Billy didn't say anything, but he took extra care writing Nora's name on a sticky note and putting it onto the book. Loki made sure he hadn't drawn a heart or anything.

~o0o~

Nora and Loki had almost finished their drinks when she looked at him with a small smile, sweet and a little insecure. Oh no. When she leaned closer his gut clenched, but he didn't back away. Her fingertips gently brushed his cheek. She hesitated for a moment, and then her lips met his, soft and warm and welcoming. He bit back a moan and broke the kiss. Nora straightened, brushing her hair behind her ear.

"Loki..."

She sighed.

"I know your life must be complicated, taking care of Billy and stuff. But I really like you, and I'd like to get to know you better. Find out who you are."

Loki managed to keep his face expressionless. He took a breath.

"I'm flattered. But you're right about Billy. He's my first priority. And to be absolutely honest, I - don't really see you that way. I'm sorry."

Nora swallowed and seemed to retreat into herself.

"Wow. That was honest indeed."

"I'm really sorry. I don't mean to hurt you."

"No. It's fine. I guess I'll just leave then before this gets any worse."

Loki bit his lip.

"OK", he said, his voice low and his eyes averted.

"Say hi to Billy. Or - maybe - don't. I don't know."

Nora got up and grabbed her coat, and a moment later she was gone.

Loki watched her leave, and a part of him regretted letting her go. He liked her, and she was sweet and smart and he'd been alone far too long. But he had to focus on Billy. He couldn't afford a distraction like that. What he could afford though was a _small_ distraction, he decided, and ordered another drink.

Loki closed his eyes and let his head fall back. He started to feel the effect of the alcohol, and he liked it. On Asgard he'd never been much of a drinker, but right now he enjoyed the way the alcohol took off the edge of things. Blurred reality, softened it. He wouldn't overdo it, but he decided to allow himself a little drunkenness. He could always magic the alcohol out of his blood stream if necessary.

~o0o~

He woke up with a hangover for the first time in a century, and he immediately remembered why he'd never joined his brother and the warriors three in their drinking orgies. This sucked. It took him four attempts to focus on the chemical composition of his blood enough to alter it, and it was exhausting. He took a shower and brushed his teeth, and only then did he start to feel like himself.


	5. Chapter 5

Loki had been checking in on his brother, who was supposed to get the last bit of homework done, again and again for more than an hour. The boy was restless and inattentive, and he was taking forever. Finally Loki lost it.

"Your mind is clearly not on your homework. What _is_ it with you today?"

Billy glanced over at his bed. Loki followed his line of vision. The sketch book he'd given his brother lay on top of the covers.

"What, have you been drawing instead of working?"

Billy didn't meet his eyes. Loki went to take the book, but Billy was faster. Loki held out his hand, still irritated.

"Show me."

Billy ducked his head. Loki closed his eyes for a moment and deliberately smoothed his voice.

"Please."

The kid squared his shoulders.

"You keep saying I don't have to show my stuff to anyone if I don't want to."

Loki started to smile at his kid brother, and then he nodded.

"Very true. We do what we want. So _don't_ show me."

"Are you mad?"

Loki's smile widened.

"No. I'm dying to see it and I hate when things don't go my way, but hey. Your work. Your choice."

Billy stared a him.

"You're really OK with this."

"Like I said. I want to know. You don't want me to. I'll have to live with that. You'll have to live with doing your home work."

Billy took one step closer.

"I kinda want to, you know? Show you? But -"

"I'm listening?"

"But – maybe you think it's no good or you don't like what I did and you'll be mad and I don't want that."

Loki squatted down, suddenly aware of the fact that he was looming over his little brother.

"It's fine. Even if I don't like it I promise I won't be mad."

Very hesitantly Billy opened the sketch book and held it out to Loki. Who felt like he'd been hit with Mjollnir. He was staring at himself, in full armor, battle stance, a dagger in each hand, and the details were perfect. This wasn't possible. The little one had never seen him like this. Or, more to the point, he shouldn't remember. Loki's head started buzzing, his ears humming with a very low sound, not painful, but very annoying. He shook it briefly to clear his mind. Breathe. Billy closed the book.

"You hate it."

Loki steadied himself, one hand on the floor, and then he rose.

"Where did the horns come from?"

"I don't know, I just wanted to draw you superhero style, because -" he paused and swallowed once. "you're kind of my hero. And then this image was in my head, like a dream, only I don't remember falling asleep. It felt familiar, as if I remembered it instead of making it up."

Something was seriously wrong here. Realities were mingling, overlapping. Loki could feel the energy of his magic vibrating in the room. He stared at Billy, trying to determine if the little one could feel it too. It didn't look like it. Loki deliberately relaxed his shoulders.

"Can I have this?"

"So you do like it?"

"You're very, very good little brother."

Billy beamed and carefully tore the page from his sketch book.

"Turn."

"What?"

"Turn around, please? I want to add something."

"OK..."

When Billy handed him the drawing Loki's vision went blurry for a moment.

'to my big brother Loki who's a real life hero

I love you

Billy'

Loki pulled the kid into a hug.

"I love you too, Billy."

Much later that night Loki lay on his bed, Billy's drawing in his hand. He'd meant to destroy it, but now he couldn't. He read the words over and over again, and a single tear ran down his cheek. What in the Nine Realms was he supposed to do?


	6. Chapter 6

One night when Billy was already tucked in he asked:

"What happened to our parents?"

Loki looked at him for a long moment. Then he took a deep breath.

"Dad was a very old man. His time had come. He passed away very peacefully."

"And Mom?"

Images flooded Loki's mind. Memories of Frigga, mixed with what he knew about the way she had died. _You might want to take the staircase to the left._ When he returned to the here and now Billy was staring at him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you sad. It's just – it bugs me not to know!"

Loki fought for control.

"Billy, I don't want to lie to you. I'm not going to. But I won't tell you either. I have an obligation to protect you that outweighs your right to know. At least for now. Until you're older."

Billy dropped his gaze.

"She loved you very much, Billy, and she was very proud of you. What do you remember of her?"

"She was beautiful, and kind, and she would read to me. Stories about heroes and battles, and she would sing and recite poems, and she loved when I drew something for her."

Loki smiled, his throat very dry all of a sudden.

"I remember those stories."

"Did she read them to you, too? When you were little?"

"Yes. She did."

Billy played with his blanket.

"It's just - what do I tell the kids at school?"

 _Create a legend._

"Say you don't want to talk about it."

"Can I do that?

"Sure. You don't owe them anything, Billy."

Billy seemed to think about that. Loki stroked his hair and stood.

"Good night little one."

"Night big one."

~o0o~

Billy came home from school, and Loki could tell that he was in pain, favoring his normally dominant right hand. He took Billy's backpack from him and gently caught his forearm.

"What's up with your hand?"

Billy pulled it from his grip.

"Hurt it in gym class."

"It's Wednesday. You didn't have gym class today."

Loki waited for a moment, but Billy didn't answer him.

"How bad is it?"

"It's no big deal."

"Let me see. Please."

Billy reluctantly held out his hand, and Loki ran his fingertips over bones, muscles and sinews.

"You probably pulled a muscle. Here?"

He very gently applied pressure to Billy's wrist, and his brother flinched.

"Sorry. Wait a second."

He left the room and returned a moment later with a small white jar.

"This should help."

He rolled up the sleeve of Billy's sweater and carefully worked a cool, transparent gel into the boy's skin. He bandaged it very tightly and rolled the sleeve back down. Covering the injury with his hand he paused for the fraction of a second, the familiar tingling of his magic gone in a heartbeat.

"Leave this on over night and move it as little as possible. Should be fine tomorrow."

"Thanks", Billy said.

"Welcome. Still don't feel like telling me what happened?"

Billy shook his head.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

Loki sighed.

"Fine."

~o0o~

The next time Billy came home with an injury Loki wouldn't let him off the hook, and eventually the boy admitted to being bullied.

"Do you want me to take care of it?"

"No! It's fine. They'll get tired of it."

Loki took his little brother by the shoulders.

"You don't have to go through this, Billy. I can make it stop,"

"I don't want you talking to them."

Loki grinned. He hadn't exactly meant to solve this diplomatically...and then he had an idea.

"How about I show you how _you_ can make it stop? Teach you how to defend yourself?"

Billy stared at him for a moment.

"You' re a book seller!"

 _I'_ _m_ _a prince and a_ _warrior!_ Loki's temper flared for a second, but he kept it in check.

"Never underestimate a book seller", he smirked. "So, you want my help or not?"

The next day Loki made sure that Billy wasn't in pain anymore, and then he started teaching him a few hand to hand moves. The kid picked it up quickly, and it didn't take long for Loki to go flying

into a wall. Billy rushed to his side.

"Oh my God Loki I'm so sorry!"

Loki grinned, the pain of the impact gone in a second.

 _That should do it for Billy's confidence._

"It's cool, I'm good. That looked more dramatic than it was."

Loki sat the kid down and gave him the talk about not attacking, only defending himself, and that was the last time Billy was bullied in school.


	7. Chapter 7

Loki was asked to come to Mr. Hagen's office a while later because of something else.

"Billy tells me you took his sketch book from him – the way I understand it because he was drawing in class?"

"Yes. He's a good student, but he's easily distracted. And yesterday I caught him drawing when he was supposed to work on his assignment, so I seized his sketch book."

"Can I have it back?"

"Of course."

Billy's teacher took it from his desk and opened it. Snakes, wolves, horses, all beautifully detailed. Hagen handed the book to Loki.

"He's good."

"I know. He loves to go to the zoo, and he can sit for an hour, drawing an animal he's particularly fond of."

"It's no big deal, Mr. Laufensen. He should definitely be encouraged to keep drawing. Just please make it clear to him that there are other things at least as important."

Loki rose.

"Sure. I'll talk to him."

~o0o~

Loki was up late reading, when all of a sudden he heard a soft noise from the window. Looking up from the book in his lap he saw a raven on the window sill, fixing him through the glass. He dropped the book and opened the window, and the raven hopped in.

"Huginn? What are you doing on Midgard?! And where is Muninn?"

Huginn jumped on Loki's shoulder, and then a second pair of shining black wings flapped, and Odin's second raven flew in and landed on his other shoulder. They spoke in unison:

"We bring tidings from the son of Odin."

"Since when do you take orders from Thor?"

"He asked very kindly", Huginn said, and it was definitely smug.

"Your brother is concerned about you, my prince, for you have been gone a long time", Muninn went on. Loki started to smile.

"Please tell Thor that I appreciate his concern, and that I am well. Tell him my quest will keep me away from Asgard for a while longer. And tell him it is going well so far."


	8. Chapter 8

_7 years later_

Billy wasn't a child anymore, and he kept telling Loki that. So for once Loki had decided he could take a little time for himself, and he'd gone to the theater. He was almost home when his car suddenly swerved back and forth. He had time to think that it was probably a bust tire – and then the car spun once and hit something very hard. Loki's head hit the driver side window, and pain shot through his whole body. And then it suddenly stopped. Everything stopped and there was only darkness.

He came to, and the pain was back. He couldn't tell how long he'd been unconscious. He tried to separate the pain into specific injuries, but with his head ringing so badly he had a hard time focusing. Head. That was probably first priority. He forced himself to take a few deep breaths even though the sharp pain from his side probably meant at least one cracked rib. He closed his eyes and searched for the fracture in his skull. Carefully infusing the area with healing energy for a few seconds he could tell that it was the right spot. The pain turned dull. Good. That was bearable. It took him a few tries to get out of the car. His legs seemed to be OK. He focused on the car, and it shimmered out of existence. Next he patched up his ribs. Apparently more than one had been cracked. It wasn't perfect, but it seemed good enough for him to walk the last few kilometers. He needed to lay down in the safety of his bedroom and properly fix himself.

It took Loki the better part of the night to heal his injuries. And something wasn't right even after the pain had stopped. He reached out to Billy's mind and found him sleeping, but restless. He debated looking into his mind but decided against it. He'd do it the Midgardian way, no magic. When he sat down on the edge of his teenage brother's bed, Billy was making distressed little sounds that broke Loki's heart. He gently shook Billy's shoulder.

"Billy? Wake up, man. You're having a bad dream. Come on."

It took a moment, and once more Loki considered reaching into his brother's mind, but then Billy was awake. His breathing was shallow and too fast, and his eyes were huge. He held on to Loki's arm with surprising strength.

"Let me turn on the lights", Loki said.

When it was no longer dark in the room Billy laid back and closed his eyes.

"Fuck. That was – not cool."

"Nightmare?"

Billy just nodded.

"Wanna tell me?"

"I'd rather not. Besides, I'm not sure what I just saw."

He shook his head to clear it. Then he looked at Loki for the first time.

"Dude, what happened to you? Is that blood on your face?"

Oh Shit. He'd healed the cuts and bruises, but he'd forgotten to clean his face. The rest of his body and his clothes probably didn't look much better. He switched the big lights off and turned the little lamp on the bedside table on.

"Just a little accident. Nothing to worry about."

Billy stared at him.

"I saw you! I mean you were in my dream! Before everything went into freak show mode there was an image of you, injured. Whoa hold on, that's even scarier than the rest of it."

Billy was wide awake now, and Loki knew that he wouldn't calm down any time soon.

"OK, why don't we sit down in the kitchen and I make some tea?"

Billy nodded. Loki stood and flicked his wrist. The illusion settled over him in an instant, hiding the tears and blood stains on his clothes. All he had to do was remember to keep it in place until he was alone. They sat together until the sun came up because Billy refused to go to bed while it was still dark. When it was light he did go to his room to get some rest. Loki called school and put a sign up in the store, and then he went to his own bedroom and collapsed.


	9. Chapter 9

It was three weeks before Billy's 18th birthday, and he still refused to tell his brother what he wanted. He just kept saying "I'll tell you. It won't need any preparation." So when they sat down for dinner Loki was a little nervous. They talked about this and that over their food, and then Billy cleared the table and sat back down. He was clearly nervous, too. Loki looked at him expectantly. Billy swallowed.

"OK, you wanted to know what I wanted for my birthday. You will not like this, but I won't back off."

Loki squared his shoulders. His jaw set.

"Continue?"

"You _will_ tell me about Mom. I'm an adult now. I've got a right to know."

Loki shook his head.

"No. I won't."

Billy pushed back his chair and jumped up. Loki could see himself in the rage playing on his brother's features, and it was doubly painful.

"I'm sick of this, Loki."

Billy spat his brother's name like an insult.

"I'm sick of you being all elusive. What is it that you're not telling me? And don't you _dare_ lie to me."

Loki fought to keep his composure.

"I have _never_ lied to you, Billy. Never."

"No. You just never answer my questions. Leave out half the truth if you do. Keep me in the dark like some dumb kid. Fuck you, Loki. Tell me!"

Loki took a breath. At least he tried. He felt like he _couldn't_ breathe. He reached inside his core, desperately fighting to stay in control.

"There's a lot about me you don't know, that's true. About yourself. Where we come from."

"Then tell me! I'm eighteen. So stop feeding me that bullshit about protecting me. What could you possibly be protecting me from?!"

Loki's mind was racing. He had to give him something or he'd lose him. The experiment would be a failure. He was so close, and it had been going so well. So he made a decision. He'd tell him everything. And then Billy would lose the memory of that conversation.

"OK. Can you please sit down and take a breath?"

"Will you tell me?"

"Yes. I will."

Billy deflated and took his seat again.

"OK."

Loki closed his eyes for a moment. And then he looked at his younger brother.

"The things you saw in your dreams, in your nightmares that night I had the accident, the things I claimed were stories Mom had told you, they're all true. They are my memories. They are your memories. Because we are one."

"What?"

"I - made you. Created you, a duplicate of my eight year old self. I specifically decided which of my memories you'd have."

"You made me? I'm a _clone_? Why the fuck would you do that?!"

Loki didn't answer right away.

"Tell me!"

"There was something I needed to know. I just had to know. I'm sorry, Billy."

"Fuck you. You tell me my whole life is a lie, and you did it out of curiosity? An experiment? Seriously? None of it is real? You fed me false memories or what?"

"Billy please, you _have_ to believe me. Everything you remember has happened, either to me, on Asgard, or to you, here on Midgard."

"Then why do I sometimes remember things I didn't remember before? The stuff I dream about?"

"Apparently when I'm drunk or unconscious my control slips and you get access to the things I didn't want you to remember."

Billy tried to process what he'd just heard. For a moment he looked almost calm, but then he exploded:

"My life is a fucking freak show! I'm a freak, a lab rat, an experiment you came up with because you were bored up there in your city of gold."

Loki clenched his fists, fighting for control again. His jaw set. He took a breath, battling his own emotions, his memories. This was ironically accurate. The images flooding his mind right now were exactly the ones Billy had never been supposed to go through. Him and Odin in the vault. His world shattering to pieces like delicate glass crashing on the marble floor. History repeating.

"You made me", Billy spit. "Why?"

"I was trying to make things better for you. Better than they were for me. Taking everything that was hard and painful away from you."

Billy's eyes turned cold.

"I want those memories back."

"Oh believe me, you don't", Loki snorted.

Billy stared at him, his mind racing.

"So I'm just a copy. What happens if the original gets killed?"

"I'm hard to kill, believe me."

"What. Happens? To me? Do I die with you?"

"Unless we're very close to each other when it happens, probably."

"Probably? What, you didn't think this through?"

"It was never meant to be like this."

"Like what?"

"I didn't think I'd grow so fond of you."

Billy was speechless. He threw himself at Loki, who deflected the blow with ease.

"You can't take me in a fight", he said, exhausted beyond measure.

Billy made another attempt. Loki twisted his arm behind his back and held him there.

"What if we _are_ very close to each other when it happens?", Billy spat.

"It's possible my essence will leave my body and go into yours. I'll be gone. You'll live."

Billy threw back his head and hit Loki's nose. Pain shot through Loki's head and neck, and he let go of his duplicate. Billy was on top of him in a heartbeat, wrestling him to the floor and closing both hands around Loki's neck. He was strong. Loki's vision turned red. He closed his eyes and focused on his abilities. Red turned to black. He could feel the tension build. The room temperature flared up. And then all of a sudden the brutal grip on his neck was gone and he could breathe again. And he was alone.

Loki drove his fist through the nearest wall. He could hear the bones in his hand break but the pain didn't register. A minute later bookshelves fell and books went flying. Some hit his face and body but he didn't even flinch. When the dust settled he realized he was crying. He slowly sank to the floor in the middle of the chaos he'd created. His voice completely flat he said:

"Open the bifrost."


	10. Chapter 10

Loki thought how strange it still was to see someone else operate the bifrost. Not to have Heimdall greet him when he came home. Home. He huffed out a laugh. The new Gatekeeper looked concerned. It took Loki a moment to realize he hadn't bothered to veil his battered appearance.

"My prince", she said and bowed her head. He nodded at her and left straight for his quarters. He'd deal with Thor some other time.

Back in his bedroom Loki gave in. He'd refrained from doing this for so long, but tonight he just didn't know how to deal with his failure on his own. He sat on the floor, legs crossed, and closed his eyes.

Even with his eyes still closed he could tell that it had worked. Her aura filled the whole room, and he started to cry again. He kept his eyes closed, wishing she'd come to him, hoping, pleading in his mind. When she finally touched his cheek he came undone, melting into her arms, pride be damned.

"Mother", he breathed, and she guided him to lay down onto the floor, his head resting in her lap. Home.

She held him for a long time, gently running her slender fingers through his hair, tracing the cuts and bruises on his face, his broken nose. She took his injured hand in hers.

"You didn't heal yourself."

"No."

"Do you want me to?"

"You're not really here."

She sighed.

"My beautiful, complicated child. Will you tell me what happened?"

For a long time Loki didn't say anything. Then he sat up and faced Frigga.

"I conducted an experiment. It was a failure."

Frigga just sat there, on the floor of his bedroom, patiently waiting for him to go on.

"I needed to know what a man I would have become if – under different circumstances. So I created a duplicate of myself, but I only gave him my childhood memories. He never knew that he was adopted. He never fell into the abyss. He never – nobody ever hurt him. I took care of him, lived with him, as his brother, on Midgard. It turned out I'm a killer no matter what. A monster. The darkness is there. I'm evil, even under the best of circumstances."

Frigga took his hands, both whole and broken.

"What happened?"

Loki told her about his fight with Billy, and how his duplicate had tried to kill him.

"And then I ended his existence."

"You defended yourself."

"He attacked me, mother! The moment he learned that he might survive if I died, he tried to murder me! Even if everything in my life had been good, and peaceful, and kind – I would still have turned into a killer."

"His existence was threatened, and he was fighting for his life. That's not evil. It's self preservation, Loki."

Loki didn't say anything. Frigga caressed his injured hand.

"Let me heal you", she said softly.

"I'm not sure I deserve that."

"I am."

He closed his eyes and nodded once, and the pain stopped. When he opened his eyes, Frigga was gone, and that hurt just as much as it always had. But he started to smile through his tears. When Thor knocked on his door he was ready to talk to him. It turned out there was a diplomatic crisis, and Thor desperately needed his brother's help.

 **THE END**


End file.
